i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
