i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
