so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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