My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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