I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize