my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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