The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
