Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
