In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
