I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
