New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
