I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
