She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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