I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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