Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
