Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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