At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
