haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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