That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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