it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
