you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
