You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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