drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
