I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
