Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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