Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
