I must be too annoying 4 u.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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