a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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