i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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