There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
