Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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