"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
