Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
