I hate your face
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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