Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
