My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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