one might say we're banned from that church
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
