I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
