The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
