xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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