id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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