Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize