I've blown a few things in my day
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
