I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
