i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
