the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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