I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
