Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
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