If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
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