# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
