i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
