I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
