Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
