fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
