I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
