I wish I could punch you in the face.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
