Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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