I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
