Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
