i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
