the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
