You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
