If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
