The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My life is pants optional.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize