Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
